Twilight Tuesday--I Have Come to the Realization

This is one of the books I am currently reading for review.  I have to admit that I really wasn't too into the reading of this book, and even as I crawled into bed last night, I was only reading it to fall asleep.

I guess God had other ideas.  I plan to fully review the book once I am done reading it, but God really left me speechless last night as I read (pretty hard for me to be rendered speechless).  In order to explain last night,  I have to go back in time a couple years.

When I still lived in Texas, Martin's and my relationship was truly blossoming and growing.  We had become physical.  We had discussed marriage.  I think we had even had our big blow up at this point that almost ended things between us for good.  I am not sure.

I can remember one very specific night when I was really feeling down about things.  In fact, I think I told God it just wasn't worth waiting for Martin to be saved.  He never was going to be saved, and loving Martin was just too hard.  I think I asked God if I could be released from loving Martin.

I did receive a response.  God told me that I was free to let Martin go.  I didn't have to keep loving him.  I could go on with my life.  God also said that if I did that, I would have to accept the consequences of my actions.  The consequences would be a true loss of the friendship, and the loss would be irreversible.  I had a serious decision to make.

I remember being tempted to walk away and leave it all, but after so many years and all that had happened between us, I really struggled to do that.  In the end, I made the right decision.  I can remember God reminding me of my decision and even giving me the same offer at a later time.

Fast forward a couple years.  Currently, things are not quite that great between us.  He is uptight, mad, and frustrated.  I can remember the same thoughts crossing my mind.  Was it worth it to wait?  Should I go on with my life?  Maybe I should stop hoping and praying.

As I read this book last night, I read about relationships suffering difficult times.  We so often think that if our relationships come to rocky times that we chose the wrong person or it was never meant to be.  We weren't really "in love" with that person after all.  God came to me and said that I no longer had a choice.  Okay, I suppose if I wanted to go contrary to God's will, I could walk away, but the choice God gave me two years ago was no longer valid.  And I couldn't be happier.

Yes, I am a single mother.  My daughter has an absent father.  My dad is in poor health and makes my life more difficult than most people could imagine.  I am only a month or two away from not being able to make a   mortgage payment on my home.  I am not married, not dating, and I have no prospects.  I have no full-time job, and  there are no prospects.  No woman in her right mind would continue waiting on a guy like Martin.

Well, here is what I say.  God's plans are always better than my own.  And I will say this.  My relationship with Martin is probably better than most fo the marriages in this world!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings tonight.  It really has helped me!

Twilight Tuesday--I Am Being Tested

Yes, I realized that God was allowing me to be tested last week.  Something happened every day that should have caused me to go into a panic and become the worry wart that I am wont to be.

By the grace of God, that has not occurred.  I am not saying that I have come out completely smelling like a rose.  Where my dad is concerned, I still sometimes lose it.  It is so hard to see him sitting around doing nothing while my mom works with a serious eye issue and Martin works in spite of terrible stomach pain.

And the testing is far from over.  I could have panicked today when I couldn't find the school, but do you know what?  I didn't.  And I can say that it has nothing to do with what I am doing but all to do with God.  He is living through me.  It is not I that live.  I died, and He lives through me.  I can see that so clearly now.

I have even begun to pray about some things that continue to cause me to struggle.  Little, personal things, but they cause me to stumble.  Isn't it something how it's the little things not the big things that cause us the most trouble?

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future!  Amen and Amen!

Twilight Tuesday--God is Good

I thought I would share tonight something that was (and sometimes is) a twilight moment for me in recent times.  And God used a wonderful book that I read recently--Redeeming Love.  I shared a little in my review, but I will share more here.

Those of you who have been following me know that my best friend, Martin, is here 6 months out of the year.  He is not saved, but I am trusting God that he will be.  And I am in love with him and joyfully anticipate the moment when he is saved and we can be married.  Our relationship is very complicated because we are best friend, soul mates, and yet he insists that is all we are.  Except that there is a definite chemistry and spark between us that everyone who has ever met us sees almost instantly.  We do have a bit of a physical relationship,  but it is kept within certain realms.  And he dismisses  it as nothing emotional.  I just follow God and make sure I don't let things go too far.

Things were fantastic when he came back this time--he treated me like a princess.  Then things were becoming rather regular between us.  But things got busy.  And Martin and my dad don't get along.  So Martin was often physically sore from clearing property and very mad at my dad.  So I normally kept silent and did not try for anything physical between us.

That was killing me!  All I could do was think about the physical.  I craved it to the point that it almost began to consume me.  And I  began to cry out to God.  My emotions and hormones  went wild.

It was just  about this time that I began to read Redeeming Love.  I immediately identified with Michael Hosea.  I understood his pain.  And when Angel left one time,  he cried  out to God.  God told him that Angel had made sex a god.  That kind of  stopped me in my tracks.  Wow. In a sense, that is what I had done.  I had gotten so into  the  physical that I had forgotten to pray for Martin's salvation.  I wasn't working on any other parts of our friendship.  It wasn't out of control, but it was headed that direction.

So I made a commitment at that point to let the physical go.  I don't spend every night hoping it will happen.  I am content to wait.  And I have.  Tonight, things turned somewhat physical--quite surprising under the circumstances--and I did not go crazy.  In fact, God had given me such insight  into things that I knew why Martin had not craved the physical.  He was too tired, and now he is sick.  I used to worry that I was not attractive enough and that Martin was losing interest.  God is opening my eyes to so many things about Martin because I have resolved to make God first and Martin's salvation the primary thing in my prayers.

Indeed, what has been a twilight time is now an early morning sunrise.  In time, I believe the sun will be shining down!