Thoughtful Thursday--I'm Going Personal Again

Well, I have thought for a while about how I should go about sharing this--I knew I needed to because some of you pray for me, and some of you are concerned about me.  So here goes.  I am going to share some general updates concerning family and how God has been working in my life.

Over the time of this blog, many of you have read about my divorce, my family issues, my father, and Martin (my friend from England).  I don't ever get too detailed, but I tell you enough so you know what is going on.  So let me summarize a couple things in a nutshell so that my new followers can get caught up.

I was married for nearly 10 years, and I left due to mental illness on my ex's part.  I am a single mom who lives with my parents.  My dad has some mental illness issues and Alzheimer's as well as other health issues.  So I left my home in Texas to come back to Washington state.  It was at Martin's suggestion, and I knew it was God's will.

Who is Martin?  In short, he is someone I met online almost 10 years ago through our mutual interest in Michael Crawford, the original Phantom of the Opera.  He has a long history with our family.  He has become a father figure to my daughter, and he is my best friend.

You've read about my feelings about Martin if you have followed me for any time.  I genuine care about him, and my major desire is for him to be saved.  He and my dad hate each other, and that is another story.  Martin can only be in this country for six months at a time, and while here, he cannot work.  Immigration regulations.

So why am I writing tonight?  Well, for the past year or maybe even longer, there have been some obstacles that have come up in Martin's and my friendship. We were not nearly as close as we once had been.  I had been watching for years what I said and did around him so I wouldn't "offend" him.  Kind of silly, isn't it?

This summer, things came to a head.  I will tell you seriously that I didn't care if I ever saw him again.  I was hurt and very mad.  When I went to pick him up at the airport, I honestly did not know how I would feel.  I had done a lot of praying, but I also had my mind up about things.  Or so I thought.

That night at the airport, I was rather cold to him.  I was confused, and I realized that in spite of everything, I could hardly believe that I still loved him.  In fact, as I had tried to prepare for the change in our friendship this summer, I just couldn't believe that he was as bad as I tried to tell myself.

As I write this, it is exactly one week since he has been here.  I was still rather upset on Friday and even onto Saturday morning.  I tried to act normally, but it just seemed that I could not.  And Martin was not quite himself either.  I wanted things to be the same, but I just didn't know what to do.

As I went through Friday and Saturday morning in my mind, I missed our old times.  We used to always have such fun.  And it seemed that Martha was the only one who was able to have fun with Martin.  There was this wall that was separating us.  I just responded by getting mad and basically writing Martin off.

Last Saturday, there was a tremendous family issue that came up.  I won't talk about that.  But somehow, God opened my ears and my heart in a new way.  I couldn't even tell you how.  For the first time in years, I really listened, and Martin listened to me.  The wall began to come down, and it came down very fast.  It was as though the past years fell away, and we were friends like we had always been.  But we even grew closer.

Now does this mean that everything is great?  No, there is a horrible issue still within our family.  But Martin and I are friends again.  It makes no sense, and I know it is somewhat a cause of irritation for some.  But I am praising God for a relationship restoration.

I want to say thanks to my readers who pray for my family and me.  Don't stop.  There are still issues, and Martin is still not a Christian.  But he did go to church, and he enjoyed it!  While  I sometimes feel caught in between, God is teaching me to control my tongue and my body.  And with His help, I will.

I will say one thing.  I can say that no matter what happens in the future, I am not interested in finding a husband or some other guy in my life.  I can honestly say that there is a man in my life who loves me for who I am.  I am not speaking of romance or marriage.  I am speaking of true love.  In fact, God pointed out to me that there is a difference in being in love and loving someone.  I am perfectly content to love Martin and be loved by him without any kind of romantic entanglements or any other attachments like that.

Thoughtful Thursday (even though it's early Friday morning)

Isn't it too bad that you can't schedule a post for the past?  You can schedule it for the future, but not the past.  Doesn't seem fair, does it?

I really planned on posting this last night, but it go late, and I was tired, so here I go this morning.

Yesterday was an unusual day.  It was a snow day for us, and so I was at home all day.  And my mom and I were talking in the morning before Martin got up.  Actually, this may have been the night before--I'm not sure.  Anyway, my mom said that Martin had commented to her how much my cooking had improved.  I have always prided myself on being a good cook, so at first, I think this hit me across the face.  I was somewhat taken aback.  I had become a better cook??  Well, when you understand Martin, it makes sense.  He never understood why I stuck to recipes so strictly.  He has always given me a hard time when I stressed over not having the right ingredient.  I have had to learn in the past couple years to substitute ingredients and make adjustments to recipes.  I had completely gone out on a limb and made up something from the ingredients we have on hand.  I have been more confident of my skills in this area.  And I do my best not to make things I know he doesn't like.  And I don't worry too much about counting calories in dinner recipes, but I do make healthier substitutions he doesn't know about.

Things were very tense yesterday evening as my Mom, Martin, and my dad were working outside.  There was a big blow-up, and I headed outside in spite of my leg to try to be there for Martin.  I told him that the cold was bothering my leg after he told my story, and I was preparing to go back in.  He said it was a shame I couldn't stay because it would be nice for me to remain as he got over his being angry.  I was able to stand in such a way that my leg was not bothered, so I told him I would stay a little longer.  I know he appreciated it.

The last thing that happened really got me.  I was putting Martha to bed, and Martin was handing out these fantastic cookies called Hob Nobs.  I was putting Martha to bed, so I didn't know what he was giving out when he offered me one.  He made a sarcastic response, and  I'm not sure why, but when he asked me if I wanted one, I got a little snippy and said I didn't.  I guess it was everything that had happened, and I wasn't in the mood for his sarcasm.  But I really wanted one.  I turned away from him, and he asked me again.  I still said no.  I refused to look at him.  Now I was unnerved.  He wasn't supposed to keep asking.  My no should have told him I didn't want one.  I wanted to remain mad at him for treating me like a child, but I also wished he would leave me alone.  After all, wasn't that what an insensitive man was supposed to do?  I struggled, and God told me I needed to let my anger go.  There was really nothing to be mad about.  But you know what?  It felt good to be mad at him.  But I knew that was wrong.  So I began to let my anger go.

I turned to him, and I asked him about a scratch he had received earlier.  After our little exchange, he said that I was welcome to one of the cookies, and he even showed me where the nutrition label was.  I told him that I knew.  And he placed the cookies nearby me.  By this time, I was no longer angry, but I was reflecting on something regarding the situation.  I wanted to know how on earth he was able to sense that I actually wanted the cookie and he wouldn't give up.  Okay, I know it was a small thing, but it is often the small things that stand out.  And when he didn't give up, why did it bother me?  Because he was showing genuine love and concern for me.  He knew  I wanted something.  He knew something was wrong, and he wasn't sure if it involved him or what.  And it kind of scared me.

Silly, isn't it?  I spend all my time praying for Martin's salvation and praying that he will show me love.  And then when he does show me genuine love and concern, I feel uncomfortable and almost don't want it.  I didn't like the fact that he knew me so well.  He was able to read me--probably the first time he really has.  And he refused to give up.  Just so you know, yes, I had a cookie.  He even offered to make me tea--which I accepted.  Going over everything recently, he has shown some true love to me lately  that has not been physical.  The dog bite thing really scared him.  And he has been very responsive to my needs as of late.  He is even driving me over an hour to work today due to icy roads.  Out school district cancelled, but where I am going was only delayed 2 hours.  I feel bad, but he wants to do this, and he was planning on going that way anyway.

I guess I really do have a lot of things going on right now.  I have a teacher's test to take tomorrow--2 of them.  I don't know how I will score.  They will probably be my hardest tests yet, but I am trying.  And Martin may have to take me to the testing site tomorrow if the roads aren't any better.

Hope your Thursday was wonderful, and may Friday be even better!