Our New Dog: Piper!

Wondering why I've been so quiet on my blog this weekend?  We have a new dog named Piper.  And she and my daughter have bonded greatly.  She doesn't get along with our fourteen cats as of yet, but she's only been in our household a little over a day.  What can you expect?  She is settling in, and I think I can get back to regular posting tomorrow.

My Family "Emergency" (And a little Taylor Swift, too)

Well, for the past week, we have struggled in our family with an issue I think I can now divulge.  Though not the best picture of our dog, that is Sandy.  We have had her about three years, and Martin (our "friend" from England) truly has a bond with her.  He helped pick her out.  There has been a falling out since last year due to many issues I have previously discussed on here.  To make a long story short, he was forced to leave our property.  And he took Sandy from time to time.  But he could only be here six months at a time.

Last Saturday night, he stole her from our yard.  Due to the unique situation, the police can do nothing.  We have been working with out church, and we have decided to relinquish our rights to Sandy.  We will be meeting at our church with him tomorrow, and it will not be pretty.  He will have to find another family to take care of her while we are gone, and we will be getting a new dog.  At some point.

It has been extremely difficult for me in many ways.  I was in love with Martin at one point, and I had fancied that we would marry.  I went a little too far in the relationship with him--especially since he is not a Christian. It is a long story.  I am glad God didn't let me go all the way with him, and he never took advantage of me.  But he was such a smooth talker.  And he figured he was able to control me (just like my ex).

You guys know about my affinity for Taylor Swift.  And there is a song that truly encapsulates the way I feel.  No, I did not lose him to another woman, and I didn't do some of the things in the video, but the essence of the song and video describe the situation.


This was a difficult video to watch the first time, and now I find myself singing this song quite regularly.  No, we did not officially date, but there are some things that look awfully familiar.

I hope one day to have this kind of romance.


This video gets to me.  No, the details don't match up.  With Taylor's songs, I never feel they have to.  But this song is a reason to hope.  I had to meet with Martin today, and the horrible thing is that I am still attracted to you.  The thing I always read about in romance novels happened.  He touched my back, and a shock wave went through me.  I instantly hated myself because my body had the audacity to respond.  But it stands to reason since we were so physical--and never should have been.

The really strange thing is that he thinks he has me figured out and that he can win me back.  I am going to post the follow non-Taylor video.  This song is almost the story of my life to a tee.

My Unpublished Books--Day 8 #UltimateBlogChallenge

I happened to miss a day, and I know  I will from time to time, but this has been a fantastic challenge for me. This is Day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.  It is kind of strange to be writing about this because it has been ages since I thought about it, but here goes.

When I was twelve years old, I began writing a book.  I was a lover of Anne of Green Gables.  It is still one of my favorite book series, and it was this book coupled with a Little House on the Prairie episode where a woman became a doctor that led to my yet-unpublished book Doctor Jane.  Honestly, this was before Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.  I remember asking my mom about why women couldn't become doctors, and for some reason, that stuck with me.  Also, the idea of having a physical feature that caused people to pick on you (like Anne Shirley's red hair) began to formulate a character--Jane Nolan.

Now, this was not the first time I had ever written anything.  I think my first poem was written in fourth grade:

"Eyes are so useful,
They're not at all toothful.
Noses are fun
Though you can't do them up in a bun.
Mouths were made for singing,
They were not made for clinging.
And that's the face.
Please don't put it in a case.,"

I had teachers that instilled the love of reading and writing within me.  And so I began to write all sorts  of stories.  They usually starred me meeting famous people, and they also featured orphans.  After all, I was a little Orphan Annie want-to-be, too.  I had read about children writing books, so why not me?

So I made up this character named Jane Nolan.  She had black eyes and blacker-than-black hair.  She was an orphan, and she had a terrible life.  Anthony and Mary Embrey, a very wealthy Southern couple, adopted her, and it was one pitfall after another.  They lived in Moss Point, Mississippi.  It's a real place--look it up.   Any time someone spoke disparagingly of her hair and  eyes, she went ballistic.  Worse than Anne Shirley ever thought of being!  She  had one friend (based on my next-door neighbor), and her name was Rosalee, if I remember right.  Yes, I used to read "name books," too, as I hunted for names for my characters.  She was a Catholic, and her parents forbade her to spend time with her.

As you can imagine, Anthony and Mary grew to love their new daughter (and she them).  And then she met Curtis Lloyd.  He was a horrid boy who fell in love with her at first sight.  But he was a "Gilbert Blythe" take-off, and so it was a long time before they realized their love.  After all, he left her standing in a rainstorm as a mean joke (always one of my favorite scenes in the story).  I was also a reader of the thesaurus, so my book was peppered with words that were way above my years.

Jane Nolan grew to be an incredibly intelligent woman who left home (and the man she loved) to become an ophthalmologist.  I had all sorts of eye problems (still do), and so it was natural for me to pick this medical field.  This girl studied at all the prestigious universities of the day--Cambridge, Oxford, and Harvard.  I did incredible research (I used to read encyclopedias, too--I was a strange child) concerning the admittance of women to these schools in the 1800's, and so Jane was forced to spend a lot of time studying to become a doctor.  She had all sorts of dates during this time--often based on teachers, pastors, and more--who dropped her like a hot potato once they found out she wanted to become a doctor.

When she was in her 30's, she finally opened her own practice.  She operated on the eyes of the wife of President Benjamin Harrison (if I remember right--I remember I was not impressed with having to use a president that I didn't like in the story),and her practice suddenly took off.  And Curtis Lloyd (who had become a lawyer) showed up with some kind of unusual eye complaint.  Of course, Dr. Jane Nolan had developed all sorts of innovations in ophthalmology that no one else knew about, and she saved his vision through a risky operation.  And at the age of 36, she gave up her practice  to become Mrs. Jane Lloyd.

I am amazed I can remember all of this.  I was dead serious about publishing this book.  For one of my birthdays, I even requested (and received) a big book about  the Writer's Market with all the publishing companies listed and more.  Does this really sound all that crazy?  I typed the book up, but I never got around to sending it in.  I wrote a sequel--Mother Jane.  In that one, she had a total of six children.  Yes, a set of twins and triplets and one very risky pregnancy later on in life.  I began writing Grandmother Jane as the final installment, but I never finished that book.  I had it all figured out, including one of her adult children who died in some kind of tornado or hurricane.  I had such fun writing about the interactions between Jane and Curtis--they acted just like kids.  I suppose theirs was the perfect marriage I never had.

I began other books.  The Conquering Lawyer about a woman who becomes a lawyer and falls in love with her district attorney.  I always longed to finish that one, but I struggled somehow.  I have all sorts of stories, but I dd better when I wrote longer books.  Dr. Jane was about 359 or 369 pages.  I can be extremely verbose, and I love to be descriptive.

The question is--will I ever publish these books?  Probably not.  One of these days, maybe I can  go back and read them.  I think my finished book of Dr. Jane underwent three writes.  And Mother Jane had two writes.  Writing  has almost always been a passion of mine.

So now you know that I could be an author if I wanted to be.  But for now, I plan to continue to read and promote other authors' works.  I could write a whole other post about all the plays I have written, but those are much more personal.  Maybe I'll tell you about them one day in the future.

Interviewing Myself--Ultimate Blog Challenge Day 5

Well, I will admit that this year I really want to improve my blog.  I am very happy with the way it is--for the most part.  But I am really challenging myself to do an even better job.  I am a little late in joining the Ultimate Blog Challenge, but I am jumping right in.  And today I will be interviewing myself.  I often forget to post personal things about myself.  I get so caught up in reading and reviewing that I forget that so many of you don't know very much about me.  So here goes.

1. What was the happiest moment of your life? The saddest?  This is really a no-brainer for me.  The happiest day of my life was the day my daughter was born--June 13, 2003 (She was born on my 29th birthday).  I brought this little bundle of joy into the world at my home in Dallas, Texas with the assistance of my midwife, her assistant, my mom, my sister-in-law, and my husband (who did practically nothing).  The saddest day of my life was just a couple years later when I had to make the decision to leave my husband of nearly ten years due to his mental condition.  I will tell you that I cannot recall the exact day that I had to take my daughter and me and basically go into hiding (at another music teacher's house in the district where I working) during the nine months that the divorce proceedings went on.  While it was a very sad day, the day the divorce was final--just three days before my tenth wedding anniversary--was one of the most relieved days of my life.
2. What s your earliest memory?  I have a memory of being in the back of a trailer and looking out the window to see mountains--brown mountains.  I learned later that I was around two years old, and we were going to Arizona.  It is one of those memories that is vivid, but it is more like a photograph than a moving memory.
3. When in your life have you felt most alone?  I don't know if I can pinpoint an exact moment, but I can tell you what has led to feelings of being alone and abandoned.  My friend from England used to be very close to me.  I used to write about him a lot--Martin is his name.  Read some of my earlier blog entries, and there was quite some hot and heavy moments between us.  Unfortunately, his association with my family has wreaked havoc on everything.  I have been told by members of my family that I am responsible for the break-up of the family due to bringing this man into our family circle.  I have been shunned because I am considered the favored one in the family.  And now Martin has practically cut ties with me as well because he hates my family.  While I don't feel lonely at the moment, I can say that at times I have felt very lonely and abandoned.  That is why I have thrown myself into my blog so much in the past year.  It has filled that gap up, and I have met some wonderful friends.
4. When did you first find out that you were going to be a mom, and how did you feel?  I was married for eight years before I was pregnant.  We never used birth control, and our bedroom life was far from perfect.  I had practically given up on ever getting pregnant.  We learned later that my husband was infertile.  My period had been late before, but I had miscalculated and was practically two weeks late. I was so worried because I had taken two ibuprofen for what I thought was cramps.  And my husband and I did not have a good relationship.  I was the bread-winner in the family, and I had just landed a really good full-time teaching job.  I told my teacher friend about my suspicions.  She told me to go get a pregnancy test--easier said than done.  I had to go to a drugstore because our grocery store did not carry them.  I remember taking the test, and when it turned out positive (as I expected it would), I told my husband.  He didn't believe me.  It was at least two months before he did.  My sister-in-law was the first one to hear because my mom was on the phone when I tried to call.  I was pregnant along with eight other ladies that year on staff.  There had to be something in the water!  Amazingly, God worked everything out so I lost no pay whatsoever.
5. Can you tell me about your first kiss?  Oh, goodness, I sure can.  Thankfully I no longer see it as a bad memory.  I was not kissed until I got engaged at the age of 18.  That's right.  My only husband (who is now my ex-husband and the father of my daughter) was the first man I dated.  I had a dream that I would not kiss a man until we were engaged.  We dated six weeks, and he proposed.  He popped the question on the third floor of an old-fashioned ship that was a restaurant in Pleasant Island at Disneyworld in Florida.  Actually, if I would have been smart, I would have realized that the first kiss was not all that great.  He actually told me I did it wrong!  I was too much in love to notice.
6. Do you believe in God?  Yes, I do.  At about the age of six or seven, I asked Jesus Christ to become my Lord and Savior, and I have never looked back.  I am a flawed creature and still make my share of mistakes.  But if you look through my blog, I think you will be able to see that this blog is still from an inspirational/devotional point of view.  God has led me every step of the way.

Hope you enjoyed these questions.  I could say so much more, but this will give you some ideas.  Want to know where I got my questions?  Check out this link.

My Daughter's Letter to Santa

I realize I don't normally share things that my daughter does.  But this is one time I really need to.  My daughter, Martha, had the opportunity to write a letter to Santa this week about what she wanted for Christmas.  And indeed she did.  It was a school assignment that she took very seriously,   Follow the link to read her insightful letter.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-vJuF70jdRqM3ZLdHNSNDBlM3c

The Absolute Joy of Blogging

I have been meaning to write this blog post for a long time, and I decided I would take a few moments and really thank everyone who has ever read my blog or whomever will.  Blogging is something I began a couple years ago, and I really knew nothing back then.  I just knew that I loved to write, and I knew that I could do what I had seen others doing.  I had been reading blogs for a while, and I didn't know where this was headed, but I knew I needed to get going.

I remember how hard I worked in the beginning to get people to read what I was writing.  I tried several different things, and I know how exciting it was every time I gained another follower. I remember the euphoria I felt when I got to 100 followers, and every 50 or 100 thereafter.  I subscribed to so many blogs, and I was constantly reading them to get more ideas.

I financed my first giveaway, and that is still something I find myself doing at times.  I remember getting my first sponsors for giveaways, discovering rafflecopter, and so much more.  I remember my blog  turning a year old, and I was always looking for new ways to get followers and new ideas.  I remember the first time I wrote a "This Day in History" post, and I didn't think anyone noticed.  Until I found myself doing it every day, and people actually began commenting on the posts!  I still get excited every time I get a new comment.

Blogging is definitely a full-time job that really does not pay like one.  In fact, I still can't say that I am "breaking even," but my blogging has helped to pay bills in recent times!  So I'm pretty happy!  I have found that my blog is always on my mind.  I go to the store thinking, "What can I find to put towards my next giveaway"?  I am always looking for new ideas!

Blogging is by far one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.  I have remarked more than once to my mom that I am so much more accepted online than I am in my personal life.  I have said more than once that in my life, I struggle to get friends.  Initially, people like me until they get to know me.  And then for some reason, they decide that  relationship with me is not worth the effort, and they break ties with me.  I have a "family" that has told me that  I am responsible for splintering the family apart.  I have an ex-husband who thinks I had an affair and that I am mentally ill.   I have former friends who think that I am just not worth the effort.  Even my best friend from England, Martin, is well on his way to leaving me in the dust.  I can't really call him my best friend any more.  As my mom said, I am evidently just too godly for him.  Oh, well.

But the good news is that the friends I am making through blogging are absolutely amazing!  You can't know how much it means to me when I notify a winner of a prize, and they tell me how much they enjoy my blog!  Or when someone comments and says that they appreciate everything I do for my followers.  And all I can say is that you guys are worth it!  To quote on old Bryan Adams song "Everything I do, I do it for you."  And there is more truth in that than you will know.

I realize up front that I am not perfect.  My winners--if I self-sponsor the giveaway, they may be waiting two months for me to fulfill the prize request due to time and little money.  I really try, but you guys are always so understanding!  Actually, this weekend, I have a lot of prize boxes to get caught up on since I finally got some money in my account!

I hope to be sharing my thoughts with you on this blog for years to come, and I want you to know that you guys are the best.  Every dollar I've spent on this blog is worth it, and I thank everyone for being patient and understanding with me.  Thank you for being there for me, and thanks for all the support.  I couldn't do it without you!

This Day in History June 13, 1974

The event I am featuring today hits home for me.  It was on this date at around 6:30 P.M. back in 1974 (38 years ago) that the author of this blog was born.

 Yes, indeed.  I was told as I was growing up that I was born on Friday, June 13.  My mom stressed this to me because she said my dad was superstitious.  I discovered just a few years ago (as I was taking a survey) that is was actually Thursday, June 13.  But I have had birthdays on Friday, June 13.

This special day is shared with my daughter who was born on this date in 2003.  So she is nine today.  So far, she had no problem with celebrating her birthday along with mine.  I dread the day when she turns to me and says that she is embarrassed or upset to share my birthday.  And just so you will know, I did not plan for her to be born on my birthday.  She was due on the 18th of June, if I remember correctly.

Some Random Pictures of my daughter and/or me:

Some random thoughts about me:

1.  I had no sense of rhythm in high school, and I took dance lessons so I could make it into our school show choir.  I later became the sole choreographer at the Christian school where I worked in Texas and choreographed musicals such as My Fair Lady and  Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.


2.  I married the first man I ever dates, and almost 10 years later, I divorced him due to mental illness on his part.

3.  I was briefly engaged to someone I met online after my divorce, and I quickly broke it off when I realized I was on the rebound (not due to my husband but my best friend who had almost proposed to me over the phone but then decided he didn't want to marry me).

4.  I taught music for 11 years, and now I have been a substitute teacher in 10 Washington state districts for three years.

5.  I am told on a regular basis by the students I sub for that I have a Texas accent, but no one else (myself included) hear this accent in my voice.

6.  I wrote my first book as a teenager, and it was over 300 pages long.  I never published it.

7.  My first Hollywood crush was Danny Kaye.  (Look him up online if you don't know who he was.)

8.  I grew up listening to oldies from the 1940's through 1960's.  I have only been discovering 1980's music and later in the past few years.

9.  I gave birth to my daughter at my home in Texas.  It was a planned home birth with a midwife.  My husband at the time was skateboarding in the garage as I was going into labor.

10. I have been a Christian for most of my life, and I have honestly never turned my back on Him.

I could say  lot more, but I think I will leave it at that.  I am glad that I made it to 38 although I feel like I am 25 years old, and I look better than I did back then.  Mainly because I am much healthier now both physically and mentally.

Things I Need to Stop Doing to Myself (Post Inspiration From Another Blog)

As I was stumbling around this afternoon (I needed a break!), I happened upon a post that I felt that I needed to write about.  I don't usually do this, but I was inspired by this post.  And it is clear from the amount of comments (353!) this post has received, I am not the only one who was inspired.

The name of the blog post is "30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself," and I plan to comment on the ones that pertain to me.

1.  Stop spending time with the wrong people.  I actually don't associate with many people, but there are those who do bring me down.  My former best friend (Martin) has brought me down quite a bit, to be perfectly honest.  I find that I don't associate with him nearly as much as I used to because as the blog says, life is too short to associate with people who zap the happiness from you!

2.  Stop running from your problems.  This is something I do not do. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I believe, as Maria says on The Sound of Music, "You can't use school {or anything}to run from your problems.  You have to face them!"  Problems don't tend to go away on their own.

3.  Stop lying to yourself.  What I have a tendency to do is run myself down when I get upset or things don't go right.  I tend to tell myself a bunch of lies about who and what I am.  And sadly, if I keep it up, I tend to believe it.  This is a good reminder because I still occasionally do this.  But I am better than I used to be.

4.  Stop putting your own needs on the back burner.  I believe this is very important.  As mothers, we tend to put our children's needs first.  I know I am always wanting to put my daughter before me.  While there are times it is appropriate to do this, if we don't give ourselves the permission to fulfill some our own needs, we may lose ourselves.  It took me a long time to discover who I was, and when I put away my own needs, I feel like I am giving up my own self.  This is a good reminder!

5.  Stop trying to be someone you're not.  Yep, I have tried to do this before, and it nearly destroyed me.  There is almost nothing worse for me than putting on a persona that is not me.  Acting is fine, but when you can't be who you really are with those you care about (and even those you don't), this will really make you feel like you are betraying yourself.  And it is hard to live with a traitor--especially when that person shares your body!

6.  Stop trying to hold onto the past.  This is what my dad is really good at!  He lives in the past and can't stand facing the reality of the present.  Maybe there were good things in the past, but don't let the past keep you from enjoying the present!

7.  Stop being scared to make a mistake.  Yep, this is one I have struggled with all my life.  I have come a long ways in this department.  I used to think that making a mistake was the end of the world.  I used to beat myself up over and over again.  While I still struggle with it, with God's help, I don't do this nearly as much as I used to.

8.  Stop berating yourself for old mistakes.  This was something God taught me during my divorce. I remember going down all the wrong roads.  I shouldn't have gotten married.  I shouldn't have let this happen. I shouldn't have met Martin.  And on, and on, and on.  God taught me that indeed all things do work together for good. Maybe I won't understand this while I am on this earth, but I can trust God.

9.  Stop trying to buy happiness.  I used to be an emotional spender.  When things didn't go right, I went online and made a purchase.  I am still paying off my debts in this area.  But it is true--happiness cannot be bought.  It can deter you for a time and postpone the sadness, but in the end, you won't be any happier.

10. Stop exclusively looking to other for happiness.  It is up to me to be happy.  No one has the responsibility to make me happy.  I am pretty good about this because I had to entertain myself as I grew up.

11.  Stop being idle. I have learned about risk.  I must take the risk.  Yes, I believe on waiting for God's will, but God can't do anything if I stay put and do nothing.

12. Stop thinking you're not ready.  I have been there indeed.  I find myself being placed in situations (even in blogging) where I do not feel comfortable.  And I decide to go ahead and give it a try.  The worst thing that could happen is that I make a mistake.  And I can then try again.  I am willing to get in and try anything.  But I wasn't always that way.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons.  Been there, done that, wore that t-shirt.  When I got a divorce and was subsequently rejected by my best friend (long story), I was on the rebound.  And I got involved with something I never should have.  I actually got engaged.  So I learned this one the hard way.

14. Stop rejecting relationships just because the old ones didn't work out.  I agree, but I am not ready for this one.  I am honestly done with men.  Maybe that will change in time, but right now I don't want to be involved.  I am not against having friends, but I need some time away from men!

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone.  I did this when I was growing up, and my daughter is following in my footsteps.  I do not have to be the best, and I can recognize others who are better than I!  I have learned that in exercise, beating my own records are the best things I can do.  I prefer competing with myself!

16. Stop being jealous of others.  I learned this lesson in college.  There was a girl who had won a competition in which I had done well but not won.  Wouldn't you know it that she ended up at the same college as me.  I was so jealous, and I prayed for her and for God to change me.  As time went on, she was the one who dropped out of college.  Before she did, she and I had a good talk where she said she wished she were more like me.  Imagine!  I always wondered what happened to her.

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.  My father is a master at this.  I do my best not to complain.  I am a positive person, and I believe that looking at the good is always better than focusing on the bad.

18. Stop holding grudges.  My dad and my friend in England are champions at this.  This has never been my problem--honestly.  Life is too short for grudges.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level.  Easier said than done.  Usually no problem, but once in a while...

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others.  I do not owe anyone an explanation for why I do what I do. It is my business, not theirs.  As long as I am not harming myself or others, people need to accept me as I am.  If they can't, they are not worth my time.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break.  That is why I am doing this.  I needed a break from blogging and entering giveaways.  Nice break.  I am good about taking breaks.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments.  My daughter reminds me to look for rainbows.  And living in the country does remind me of what is really important in life.

23.  Stop trying to make things perfect.  It will never happen anyway.  Why waste your time?  Take it from a recovering perfectionist!

24. Stop following the path of least resistance.  I agree.  I believe that taking the road less traveled is a wise decision.  Don't settle for mediocre.  Reach for the stars!

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't.  Okay, that does not mean you have to share your deepest, darkest secrets with every passing stranger.  But it is okay to be real with how you feel.  Don't stuff it.  Deal with the emotions.  And that is something I do well.  I don't hide my feelings well.  It is a positive and negative thing.

26. Stop blaming others for your problems.  This is the way our society is.  People do not like to take responsibility for their actions.  It bugs me to no end.  This has not ever been a struggle of mine.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone.  You can't do it anyway.  So stop trying.  You'll only kill yourself!  This is not a problem for me either.

28. Stop worrying so much.  Guilty as charged.  I am a natural-born worrier.  I am trying to do better in this area by trusting God.  He tells us to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us.  I have not arrived, but I do try.  I used to live from one worry to the next.  At least worries do not consume me as they once did.

29. Stop focusing on what you don't want to happen.  That is my daughter to a tee.  I thought I tended to run on ahead.  She is to the extreme.  I can't tell you how many times she asks me what if this happens or that.  And in so doing, she overlooks the good things happening today.  Live in the present.  It is a lesson I am still learning.

30. Stop being ungrateful.  Gratitude is a natural part of my life.  I am sure I have been ungrateful, but mostly I do well in this area.

According to the bottom of the post, they also have the counterpart to this post--30 Things to Start Doing For Yourself.  I will have to look at that some time.  If you would like to read the original post, check it out here.

My Apologies--We Are Growing So Fast!

I know I haven't done anything terrible, but I wanted to take a moment to let you know a couple things.  Over the past month or two, things have been crazy around here.  On the surface, it may seem like I am doing fine.  My blog has been growing so fast that it is almost overwhelming! So, why am I apologizing?

I feel bad because I have "flaked" without meaning to a couple times.  I have prize packs that need to go out (needed go out a month ago in some cases), and I have missed a couple giveaways for which I have signed up.  The combination of personal issues and my blog growing has made this pretty difficult at times.  My e-mail has been overflowing for weeks, and I am just getting to some of the stuff I have needed to do.

I am normally an organized person, and it bugs me to no end to see things get out of control.  (I am not organized in housework, but I keep my life organized.)  I am finally coming up with a system to keep me on the ball so I will not get so behind again.

I was talking with my mom, and I am sure many bloggers experience this.  You want to grow, and then when you do, you realize how crazy things are.  One night I had to stay up late to get about 6-8 posts done, and it was overwhelming!  And I still realized that I missed a couple things!  And then posts I had scheduled didn't post!  Then I got confused on the dates for a book review.  And then...the list goes on.

Thank you so much for your support of my blog, and I think over the next month, my blog should be better organized.  If you are awaiting a prize pack from me, please know that it is coming!  I promise!  God bless every one of you!

Maybe You Have Noticed . . .

Or maybe you haven't.  And, honestly, I am not bothered if you have not.  It has been a tough month.  One of the longest and shortest of my life.  I've written about many personal things in the past, and I just have not been able to lately.  I have gotten behind in many things in my life, but I have been able to keep up with my book reviews, products reviews, and more.  Blogging is a gift that God has given me, and I can hardly wait to see how God is going to continue to bless me in this area in the days, weeks, months, and years to come.  My blog is not where it should be yet, but it has come a long ways!

Many of you know that I have been caught in the middle of some domestic issues.  There are my parents and then my "best" friend (it seems strange to note that our friendship has changed), and then other "family."  I don't want to spend the time bashing anyone or going over the turmoil in my life.  The emotions were so bad this month that I had my worst period ever, I do believe.  I was in a lot of pain this week, and I am glad I am the tail end of this.

On May 2, my life will become my own again.  Well, that is not true.  My life belongs to God, but what I mean is that I will not be out and about like I have been this month.  It is honestly a miracle that I have been able to do anything this month on this blog.  I have been gone virtually every weekend, and many of my evenings have not been my own either.  On May 2, my friend of more than 10 years goes back to England.

It has been so strange of late.  I have realized that I am in a very strange dichotomy.  On the one hand, I could throw all my Christian morals to the wind and behave as I never have in my life.  On the other hand, I could call him up and say I never want to see him again.  It is only by God's grace that I have been able to be moderate in this area.  The spiritual battle has become intense in a way I have never known it.  And so often, I do feel as though I am alone.  Yes, God is here with me.  But there doesn't seem to be anyone else around.

I have been haunted by the dream that I had several years ago.  Satan was on his throne saying he was not going to let Martin go.  Martin is my friend from England who has impacted my life in ways I can't even imagine.  Both good and bad.  I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and blowing up at those closest to me (mainly my mom) for almost no reason.

Wednesday will be hard and yet easy.  I can't quite explain it.  I will miss Martin, but then I will have my evenings and weekends again.  I am praying with everything in me that God will get a hold of Martin.  He is meeting with our "fill-in" pastor at church tomorrow.  If there is someone who could reach him, it would be Nick.  If there ever was a prophet/evanagelist, it is Nick.  If anyone gets a chance to pray for Martin tomorrow, I would appreciate it.

So, my dear readers, just be patient, and you will see your dynamic blogger return.  Martin said my blogging would never amount to much of anything.  He only told me this month that I would never make the kind of money I think I am going to on here.  Let's see.  When I began blogging, I didn't think I would make any money.  This past week, I made $95.  Not too bad, as far as I am concerned!  I so want to prove him wrong!  Never tell me that I can't do it because I then plan to prove you wrong!!

Thank you for sticking with me during this time.  I have the best readers in the world.  I can hardly wait to get things back on track here.  Have a great evening/morning/day!

The ABC's of Me

Just recently, I found out about a great site called Voiceboks.  I just signed up yesterday, and here I am participating in something that I know I did back when I first started  blogging.  But rather than recycle it, I figured I do it again here.  I am not going to follow the format from then.  I am going to do this my way.

So without further ado, here are the ABC's of me!

A:  Adult (usually!)
B:  Big heart
C:  Courageous
D:  Diversity
E:  Effervescent
F:  Fortitude
G:  Gorgeous--honestly!  Okay, probably my daughter is more gorgeous than I am, but I really do like how I look.
H:  Honest
I:  Importance of people, not stuff
J:  Joy in the Lord
K: Kids are great, but I do enjoy having adult conversations at the end of the day!
L:  Loyalty
M: Men--I have never had a successful male relationship.  I just can't figure them out!
N:  No Nonsense
O:  Old age is only a state of mind.  I feel better now and younger in my late 30's than I did in my 20's.
P:  Powerful God--He can do anything!
Q: Quietness--not in option when you are a substitute teacher.  Accept that the students will NEVER be quiet!
R:  Roanoke, Virginia?  I wonder what happened to it.  I am a history buff!  Just read my blog!
S:  Salvation--yes, I have been saved since I was about 6 or 7.
T:  Touch is important to me.  Yes, I am a touchy, feely sort of person once you get to know me and we become good friends.  
U:  Underwear--always wear it, make sure it is clean, and cute underwear is preferred!
V:  Velvet--I love that kind of material!
W:  What is for dinner?  I am the one who plans out the meals and cooks or it doesn't happen.
X:  X-rays--don't mind them when necessary.
Y:  Young at heart.
Z:  Zebras are great.  I loved going to Fossil Rim in Texas and driving through it to see all the animals.  But you can keep the ostriches!

There it is!  Now you know at least something about me.

My Emotional Rollercoaster

Well, it has been a week since once of the worst days of my life occurred, so I think it is now time for me to share.  I have shared a little here and there on facebook, but I will share a brief account of what happened.  I need to since I am really struggling.

I have written before about the situation between my best friend, Martin, and my dad.  In short, they hate each other.  My dad has continued to hold onto that hate while attending a church I left over a year ago, and he has maintained that he is a good Christian in spite of this intense hate.  The rest of us--my mom, my daughter, Martin, and me--have begun going to a wonderful church that has finally been ministering to Martin.  Indeed, God has been hard at work in Martin's life.

God has been working in my life, too.  He has worked with me through my physical cravings, my emotions, and more. I had finally come to the point of truly saying that whatever God had to do in order for Martin to be saved, I was willing for it to happen.  I was more than willing to lose Martin's friendship, and I was sure that was what God would do.  I was prepared for it, and I waited for what would happen.

I was not prepared for what did happen.  My dad brought three men from his church onto our property last weekend (we found out later this was illegal, and they could have been arrested) to remove Martin from the property.  Last Saturday was absolutely horrid as they accused my mom, Martin, and me of various things.  They implied that I was a loser and had no business living my parents at my age (even though I gave up a good-paying job and home to come help my mom out).  My dad played his part beautifully as these men helped him be the big man on our property.  Martin agreed to leave, and you might be able to imagine how hard things were.


My daughter and I stayed in town that night--we didn't want to leave Martin alone, and I was in no hurry to see my dad again.  God blessed in that area as well.  We found a hotel that accepted dogs, and there was not even any real temptation that night--I was grateful to God for that.  I made the decision that I would not be speaking to my dad any more except when it was absolutely necessary.  And I will not be participating in family events any more since I have so fractured the family.  In my mind, my family is now my church family, Martin, my mom, and my daughter.

Things are very terse here as you can still imagine.  I miss Martin a great deal, as you can imagine.  He won't be coming back to live here--which is probably a blessing in disguise.  He is being counseled by a very godly man in our church, and Martin needs that right now.  But it doesn't make the pain any easier.  My dad still does things to upset me, and Martin does, too.  It is still a power struggle, and I so often get caught in the middle.  I hate that feeling.

I have found myself thanking God that I didn't know what would happen 10 years ago as Martin and I were developing a friendship.  And it just has shown me that you need to be careful what you pray for.  When I prayed, I just thought that Martin would be in pain.  I had no idea what it would do to me nor to my family.  I have been reminded of Christ's example on this earth.  After all, his family rejected him, so why would I expect any less?  I guess it makes it hard when professing Christians reject you and say you are doing wrong.  I learned many years ago that judging others in the body of Christ is something that needs to be done very carefully.  I used to think that divorced people were completely out of the will of God.  I tended to think that God couldn't really use a divorced person.  Then I got divorced.  I realized just how judgmental that was, and from that time, I have done my best not to judge others.  There but for the grace of God go I.

I praise God for all of my blog readers, and if you have a moment, I would appreciate a prayer going up for Martin and my mom.  Martin's hate for my dad is putting a wedge between him and her.  Martin also needs the Lord more than anything else.  And there are some signs that God is working.  I have begun to realize that a whole other set of problems will come about when Martin does turn his life over to God.  I fully expect that things will happen quickly, and then my "family" will probably really turn against me.

One side note--my grandmother has been wonderful through this.  She thinks the world of Martin, and she has kept us in her prayers and thoughts.  She feels for me since I went through similar experiences with my ex.  God bless my grandmother!

The Other Family I Did Not Know I Had

I will do my best not to make this a long post.  If you have followed my blog for any time at all, you will probably know that I originally started this blog to chronicle my time with the Lord.  While some of the focus has shifted, it is times like this when I know that God has given me a wonderful gift in this blog.

Some of you, my readers, know that my dad and my best friend (Martin) do not get along.  Okay, that is an understatement--they hate each other.  There have been altercations in the past--in fact, there was one on Friday, and on Saturday evening, my mom and Martin were met with a group from my dad's church--I used to respect  a couple of the men, but I have to admit that my views have changed somewhat.  These men were there to remove Martin from the property.  They would only involve the police as a last resort.

These men accused my mom of lying, and they accused me of being a loser since I am 37 and still live with my parents (even though I gave up a full-time job to move up here to help my mom and I have my own home down in Texas on which I have been making payments.)

I was hurt, and I posted on facebook about being a loser, and I mentioned in passing the issue with Martin.  I was amazed at how God used that status update.  Martin's sister contacted him (they had not been on the best terms in recent times).  A missionary in Belgium (she is an old schoolmate) saw my post and alerted my mom's best friend.  My ex-sister-in-law left a beautiful comment on my wall, and I was truly blown away at the outpouring of love.  This outpouring also was found on my blog facebook page--people I never have met were praying for me!

As exciting as this miracle is, I have another one to report.  Two couples from my church and our neighbor down the road have already offered him a room, and I have to believe that this was no surprise to God.  In fact, I found myself praising God that I was worthy to suffer like this.  And I was sincere!

At this point, much of my family has cut me off due to decisions I have made.  Thankfully, I still have my mom and my daughter.  Last night when I posted, I truly needed someone to talk to, and I mourned the fact that I was so isolated.and without many friends.

But what I did not realize is that God chose this time to reveal a wonderful gift to me--my "other family."  I have attended a lot of churches in my life, but I have never found one like the one I currently attend with my mother, Martha, and Martin. And today proves it.  When we were asked how we were doing, people were willing to listen to our story.  They promised to pray.  And they were astounded and wanted to help in any way they could.  I hate to say it but if three families can offer Martin "sanctuary," how is it that he can be so bad?

I want to thank each of the people who have helped us through this time.  It is very hard to hear your mom begin accused of being a liar and that you are the cause of the family trouble.  It is wonderful that people will listen to our stories without judging.  I thank you for the outpouring of love already, and if any of you would like to add the situation to your prayer life, I would be more than grateful.

I Have Been Tagged

Okay, I was tagged by Little Miss Drama, and just so you know, I am not going to follow all the rules.  I never like "forcing" anyone to participate.  But I like to do my part.  So I will answer the questions I was given, but I am not going to tag anyone.  If anyone wants to participate, feel free.

1) Since I shared two of mine: Who is your celeb crush?

Hard to choose.  I would say Josh Turner and Scotty McCreery.  I love the way they both sing, and I think they are pretty cute.  And I love the fact that they are both Christians.  Scotty is very young, and Josh is married.  So they are not my type, but it doesn't mean I can't like their voices.

2) What's the longest and shortest amount of time you've spent on a book?

Hard to say yet again.  Shortest time--an hour or so.  Longest time--a couple months.
3) Favorite movie growing up?

The Sound of Music without a doubt!  I watched it 40 or 50 times and had it memorized!

4) What de-stresses you?

A good cup of coffee or hot chocolate and a good movie.

5) Favorite TV show? 

Hard to say yet again.  Probably Reba or Everybody Loves Raymond.  

6) Favorite genre? (Book, music, movies)

Books:  historical fiction

Music: Broadway and Country

Movies: Musicals, Comedies, and Dramas

7) What song describes you right now?

Who Died and Made You King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
8) If you weren't answering these questions what would you be doing?

Cleaning out my e-mail box
9) Given the choice of anywhere in the world, where you you go?


Paris, France--always wanted to go


10) Last good book you read? (By good I mean: amazing 5 stars tell everyone to read it.)

The Hunger Games--best book I have read in ages!
11) What makes you you?


The indwelling of the Holy Spirit


Anyone is invited to jump in and comment and/or answer the questions.  Thanks!

Men--Am I Alone in Not Understanding Them?

Well, it is indeed time for another personal post.  I just knew I had to write this tonight.  As you know (if you follow my blog regularly), my best friend is Martin from England.  We have known each other for nearly ten years now, and we have been with each other through thick and thin.  I am not nearly as upset as I was earlier, but I wanted to get some feedback from the ladies that follow this blog.  (Okay, if there are any men, you can jump in, too!)

The past couple days, Martin has acted like a typical guy.  So, I realize that is not surprising, but I sometimes struggle.  And I happen to be struggling a little bit now.

Last night, things got a little bit physical between us, and although nothing much happened, I always find it amazing how quickly men can move from being physical to being "normal."  Things were unfinished between us, and of course, all I could think about today was him.  Yep, it's true.  And then I look at him.  He's just business as usual, and there is nothing new in the world.  No talk of finishing what we started or even discussing anything between us.  I suppose that some of it comes from the fact that we are not really dating or anything.  In fact, he doesn't even want to face the fact that there is anything between us that is more than friendship.  It is tough to be in this position. But I know from what I have studied about men that they tend to be like this when it comes to the physical realm.  They can turn it on and turn it off with no problem.  I guess I really am a woman, aren't I?

And one more rant, and this is probably what upset me tonight.  I am one who likes to have things somewhat planned out.  I have gotten better at becoming spontaneous, but I do like to know things in advance.  Martin, on the other hand, only tells me what he thinks I need to know when he thinks I need to know it.  He feels he has the right to change things whenever he wants.  Let me qualify this.  It is Christmas break, and my daughter's friend is coming over tomorrow.  My daughter has swimming tomorrow night as well.  Martin asked me last night if I had any real plans for Tuesday.  I told him I didn't.  I guess that was a mistake.  He planned a whole lot of stuff.  He got it all set up to go bowling with two of Martha's friends tomorrow at a certain time.  I have things to do to get ready for Christmas (Martin doesn't like Christmas.).  And then he asked me if I had any problem with taking the girls to bowling tomorrow.  I told him I didn't know if we would have time.  And now I find the real story.

Why do men have to do this??  I would have liked to have been asked about this.  All I can think about is the time and money I will be spending on this.  All he can think about is getting away from my dad and giving the kids a nice time.  He loves to keep me "in the dark" about his plans.  Is this a normal guy thing, or is it just Martin?  He loves to "surprise" me, but I don't always like the surprises.

I am trying to see this as a good thing, and I will in time.  I have to remember that the motive is right.  I would love to "teach" him how to do this better, but I know that doing that will only make things worse.  And if I complain or show that I am upset, he will withdraw.  And he will feel that I am not showing him the love he wants but doesn't want to ask for.

So, how do you deal with situations like this?  I would love any advice.  At least I am not as upset as I was.  I am going to pretend I don't know as much about the day tomorrow since he has not shared it with me.  My mom did.  I'm going to play"dumb" because that usually works.  Anyway, that is my little rant for the evening!

Solution Sunday--I Need To Stay Out of It!

Well, it is still Sunday here, and I know that this needs to be posted. God spoke to me in church today, and I honestly think I have direction in my personal life--even though it is not an easy task.

Those who know me well (and there really aren't that many) know that above all else, I will do just about anything to keep the peace and smooth things over.  I have done it my whole life.  I am willing to do whatever is needed to make things right.  I cannot live with a wedge between another person and me if I can do something to remove that wedge.  I am not one who is above humbling myself before others.

Now, I am not saying that any of the above is bad.  In fact, it is good.  God asks us to do many of those things.  I have been walked over so many times in my life that it often becomes a way of life.  My "knee jerk" reaction is to apologize for something I didn't even do wrong and to go out of my way to make the other person feel good about things.  And in many situations, this action diffuses everything, and life can go on.

Unfortunately, there is a drawback to acting this way--many, as a matter of fact.  Sometimes, when things don't get smoothed over, I blame myself and work extra hard to make things right.  And I don't rest until they are.  I think I sometimes get in the mindset of telling God, "I'll help you with this one.  I know I can set everything right, and You're not working fast enough, so I've got this one, Lord."  As I typed that, I know how ludicrous this sounds, but it is true.

For several years, I worked to make Martin become a Christian.  I worked to make him fall in love with me and want to marry me.  I worked to remove all obstacles between us.  I was certain that if I did this or did that or said that, the inevitable would happen.

I am happy to report that in spite of my meddling with God's will and trying to make it happen, God worked in spite of me.  And He still is.  Martin is not saved--at times, very far from it.  But I realized last time that Martin came, I had to back off. I had to allow God to use whatever means possible to bring about His plan, and I had to stay out of it.  The "meddler" within me needed to have a time out.  This was one situation that I could not fix, try though I may.

Now there are other wedges I cannot fix.  I see it between people I care about, and I want to do all I can to fix it.  So what did I do?  My "knee jerk" reaction got in the way again.  I began to meddle.  I tried to persuade each side why they should listen and maybe even why the other side had merit.  I tried to be sympathetic and correct whatever I heard that might be wrong.  I defended one view to the other.  And, as you can imagine, I loused it up again!  There I was trying to fix a problem that was "unfixable" in the natural sense.  I am not equal to the task.  In fact, trying to fix it nearly drove me out of my mind.  I could not think, and I could not breathe.  Stress was truly getting to me.

Today, as I sat in church, our pastor began teaching about the book of James.  James chapter one says a lot about trials and tribulations.  And I needed to hear what was being said.  I did a lot of crying as I listened.  And God spoke to me.  Kind of like this:  "Ruth, I can handle this situation.  It is not too big for me.  I knew this was going to happen, and it is a trial.  I need for you to stay out of it so I can work my will through it.  I can still work my will if you meddle, but you will go through a lot more unpleasantness if you don't stay out of it.  My daughter, you are working way too hard.  Please, stay out of it."

I knew at this point that I had done it again.  I thought I could fix the situation.  I thought that I could say the right thing, and the issue would be resolved.  Wrong.  In fact, if anything, my meddling had made it worse.  Even Martin spoke wisdom to me.  He told me I needed to stay out of it.  Amazing how God can speak through people even when they are not saved!

While I am still struggling, I know now that I cannot handle this problem myself.   I don't know how to.  And Satan certainly attacked today--right where he knew he could get me.  Thank God my car was not hurt, but I  had to go outside the store and cry a spell.  I found myself saying exactly what God needed me to say.  "I can't do it, Lord.  I don't understand.  I need Your help."  And indeed He did send help.

I would love to report and say that everything is fine now.  But it is not.  It is such a strange role--not meddling.  I am so used to it.  I don't even know why.  I guess it is just what I am used to do.  And it bothers me to no end to know what needs to happen, and it doesn't happen.

I know that things are not improving.  And I realize they may never be the way they need to be.  But according to the Lord and Savior of the universe, He is in control, and no one can thwart His plans.

So, I am doing my best to remind myself that I am staying out of it.  God is in control, and He does not need me to meddle.  I need to follow His leading, and I know that things will turn out as they should.  May I not forget that this is the solution that God needs me to follow.

Do You Ever Wonder Why?

I have been struggling for several days about what exactly I should share, but I think God would like me to at least share some of my current struggles with you, my wonderful readers.  After all, I cannot make much sense about what is going on with my family and me right now--I will admit it.  And maybe some of you have gone through similar struggles.

You might remember that I recently shared how God is restoring my friendship with Martin, my English friend. And that is completely true.  God is continuing to restore it to even better than it was previously.  We have covered so many topics between us, and I feel I understand him more than I ever did.  He even suggested something for my blog--a couple things that I will hopefully get a chance to share with you soon.

What I did not share concerns my family.  I probably hinted at it, but I did not really talk about it.  I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle this, but I think God has given me direction tonight.  In many ways, my family is going through a tough time.  Some things happened last week that have caused emotional damage, and I am kind of caught in the middle.  It is not a fun place to be.  On one hand, I am doing my best to remain objective and see both sides of the issue.  But on the other hand, my continued spending time with both Martin and my family members who are at odds can lead to discord on both sides.

Communication is something at which I can excel, but I can also put my foot in my mouth a whole lot.  I do much better with the written word than the spoken word.  I also have a problem of revealing too much or misspeaking.  When you add in emotions, it can be a very dangerous place to be.  I find myself apologizing and explaining myself quite regularly.  I try to go over in my mind (with God's help) what I should share and when I should just be silent.  I sometimes don't even know what to think.  I feel pushed and pulled on both sides.  It makes me appear moody when I really am not.  And it makes me second guess what I think and believe about the situation.

Am I the only one who has ever been in this position?  I am sure the answer is no.  And I am sure that everyone who has ever been in this position asks the same question--Why am I the one chosen to be in this position.  Why do I have to be the go-between or sometimes the peace-maker?  Why has God given me this job when I know I am not operating in my strength?

Ah, I think I may just have hit the nail on the head with that response. More often than not, God asks us to step outside our comfort zones so that He may be shown through us.  I have to say that I feel I am making a mess of the situation.  I am sure that what I have said on both sides is being misconstrued.  And it is really tough when both sides are not willing to listen.  Or when minds are made up.  Or when "lenses" are colored.

When you add in my father's mental health and health issues, it adds even more into this mix.  In fact, as I was writing this, my dad came out and did his usual thing of trying to belittle me and treat me like a child.  My mom and I bear the brunt of my dad's anger.  And I am always the easy target.

I have to admit that over this past week of difficulty, I have really struggled with understanding how and why this is happening to us. And specifically--me.  Over and over again, God has reminded me that He is in control, and I need to be patient.  And I have remembered the dream I had several years ago.  While I do not know everything that the enemy wants to do, I know that he wants the family destroyed, and he does not want Martin to be saved.  He wants me to give in to sexual temptation, and he wants a physical fight to ensue between Martin and my dad.

So the question remains.  Why am I in this position?  Well, it is just quite possible (as with Queen Esther) that God has brought me to this place for such a time as this.  As I think about it, Esther was put in a very difficult position.  She was a Jew who had become queen in a pagan society.  The life of her people rested in her hands.  While it is true that she may never have been in true danger due to her position, that was not the point.  She fasted and prayed (according to Josephus--the Bible doesn't tell us that she prayed, but I tend to agree that she would not have fasted without praying), and she knew what she had to do.  She risked her life to save her people, and in many ways, the story of Esther almost ends like a fairy tale.  And it is true.

So when you, dear reader, wonder why you have been placed in this position, don't ask why and bemoan all of your trouble.  Realize that God has you where you are for a task that He wants you to perform.  Perhaps you do not feel equipped to do it. And it is when we are weak that God shows Himself to be strong.  While we are free to tell God "no," as Esther's relative, Mordecai, told her--if you don't do it, God will bring along someone else to accomplish His will.  That should be a sobering thought.  Perhaps you have to go through a lot of garbage, but if you can just get through it, God will work it for good.  And if you're like me, you certainly don't want to miss the opportunity to have God do a mighty work through you.

Don't worry, my friends.  I have not arrived as of yet.  But I feel as though my faith is being strengthened as I write this.   I am so glad that I turned to my blog--God spoke through me.  I can only hope and pray that it was encouragement to you, too!

Thoughtful Thursday--I'm Going Personal Again

Well, I have thought for a while about how I should go about sharing this--I knew I needed to because some of you pray for me, and some of you are concerned about me.  So here goes.  I am going to share some general updates concerning family and how God has been working in my life.

Over the time of this blog, many of you have read about my divorce, my family issues, my father, and Martin (my friend from England).  I don't ever get too detailed, but I tell you enough so you know what is going on.  So let me summarize a couple things in a nutshell so that my new followers can get caught up.

I was married for nearly 10 years, and I left due to mental illness on my ex's part.  I am a single mom who lives with my parents.  My dad has some mental illness issues and Alzheimer's as well as other health issues.  So I left my home in Texas to come back to Washington state.  It was at Martin's suggestion, and I knew it was God's will.

Who is Martin?  In short, he is someone I met online almost 10 years ago through our mutual interest in Michael Crawford, the original Phantom of the Opera.  He has a long history with our family.  He has become a father figure to my daughter, and he is my best friend.

You've read about my feelings about Martin if you have followed me for any time.  I genuine care about him, and my major desire is for him to be saved.  He and my dad hate each other, and that is another story.  Martin can only be in this country for six months at a time, and while here, he cannot work.  Immigration regulations.

So why am I writing tonight?  Well, for the past year or maybe even longer, there have been some obstacles that have come up in Martin's and my friendship. We were not nearly as close as we once had been.  I had been watching for years what I said and did around him so I wouldn't "offend" him.  Kind of silly, isn't it?

This summer, things came to a head.  I will tell you seriously that I didn't care if I ever saw him again.  I was hurt and very mad.  When I went to pick him up at the airport, I honestly did not know how I would feel.  I had done a lot of praying, but I also had my mind up about things.  Or so I thought.

That night at the airport, I was rather cold to him.  I was confused, and I realized that in spite of everything, I could hardly believe that I still loved him.  In fact, as I had tried to prepare for the change in our friendship this summer, I just couldn't believe that he was as bad as I tried to tell myself.

As I write this, it is exactly one week since he has been here.  I was still rather upset on Friday and even onto Saturday morning.  I tried to act normally, but it just seemed that I could not.  And Martin was not quite himself either.  I wanted things to be the same, but I just didn't know what to do.

As I went through Friday and Saturday morning in my mind, I missed our old times.  We used to always have such fun.  And it seemed that Martha was the only one who was able to have fun with Martin.  There was this wall that was separating us.  I just responded by getting mad and basically writing Martin off.

Last Saturday, there was a tremendous family issue that came up.  I won't talk about that.  But somehow, God opened my ears and my heart in a new way.  I couldn't even tell you how.  For the first time in years, I really listened, and Martin listened to me.  The wall began to come down, and it came down very fast.  It was as though the past years fell away, and we were friends like we had always been.  But we even grew closer.

Now does this mean that everything is great?  No, there is a horrible issue still within our family.  But Martin and I are friends again.  It makes no sense, and I know it is somewhat a cause of irritation for some.  But I am praising God for a relationship restoration.

I want to say thanks to my readers who pray for my family and me.  Don't stop.  There are still issues, and Martin is still not a Christian.  But he did go to church, and he enjoyed it!  While  I sometimes feel caught in between, God is teaching me to control my tongue and my body.  And with His help, I will.

I will say one thing.  I can say that no matter what happens in the future, I am not interested in finding a husband or some other guy in my life.  I can honestly say that there is a man in my life who loves me for who I am.  I am not speaking of romance or marriage.  I am speaking of true love.  In fact, God pointed out to me that there is a difference in being in love and loving someone.  I am perfectly content to love Martin and be loved by him without any kind of romantic entanglements or any other attachments like that.

Free-Wheeling Friday--I Know What It's Like to Not Fit In

I began Renee Swopes's book A Confident Heart this week with a load of other women in the Proverbs 31 Ministries online Bible study.  I read through the first chapter and answered the questions, and it gave me a lot to think about.  As did the other book I started--Something Inside Me by Chitoka Webb.  With all the happenings recently, I considered many things within me.  And here is what I discovered.

I have always been one who responds to challenges.  When someone says I can't do something, I set out to prove them wrong.  If "it can't be done," I will find a way to do it.  That is one of the reasons that I enjoy And blogging.  Your job is never done.  Never be satisfied with the status quo.  Keep trying to make things better.  Work with what you have.  These are important principles of my life.

Since I have been this way most of my life, you can imagine that I didn't always fit in as I was growing up.  I have never made friends easily,.  I am not an unfriendly person, but I would say I require often as much from my real friends as I do myself.  Not that I expect perfection--everyone if different.  I just mean that in order to call someone a friend, I am not interested in playing games or not being up front about things.

In elementary school, I was an individual.  I didn't dress like everyone else.  I challenged myself to be a good student.  I didn't generally get in trouble.  I often did more work than I had to.  I didn't watch the current movies or listen to the current music.  And you can imagine how I was treated.

As early as second grade, I was not well-liked in my peer groups.  Third grade was horrid--no one in my class liked me, and I'm being honest.  I was writing stories by the fourth grade, and music was my life from sixth grade on.  I was made fun of regularly.  In fact, in high school, it was the kids in my church youth group who treated me the cruelest.

I realized today that I do honestly know what it's like to not fit in.  I never have.  And as I went through school, college, and young adulthood, I was consistently put down.  It became a joke to me that once year (when I taught in a Christian school), I would get called into the principal's office to answer for what I had done wrong.  And then when I worked for a "Christian" principal in a public school in Texas, I still got in trouble.  I think I finally hit a record when I was not in trouble for my last two years there because I finally had figured out how to keep myself out of trouble.

Isn't it a shame that God's people are sometimes the cruelest people on earth?  That has never made sense to me.  I have always been more accepted and appreciated by non-Christians than Christians.  When I was married, I seemed to get along better with single people--that should have told me something.  I had to fight hard for any praise I did receive.

I realized today that this blog is the most positive thing I have ever had in my life.  I have finally been validated to a degree.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't mean that I am finding all my value and worth in this blog.  I find that only in the Lord. This blog could totally fall apart tomorrow.  I know that.  But God owns this blog, and He has chosen to bless me through it.  I remember that it was scary to step out and faith and begin this blog.  I am even stepping out in faith when I sign up for blog hop giveaways and have no sponsors.  And God is providing.  God is showing Himself  so faithful.

I am so glad I have finally found my niche.  I am not even desperate to get sub jobs like I was the past two years.  I actually miss my blog when I can't be on it as much as I would like.  It's so nice to finally fit in, and thank you, blogging world, for accepting me at last!

Free-Wheeling Friday--10 Good Ways to" Tell Me About Yourself"

I was surfing around tonight, and I came upon an article on a website that I thought might be kind of intriguing.
It is called "10 good ways to tell  me about yourself" and it is actually addressing career interviews.  But I thought the challenge of answering these questions would be kind of fun.

1. “I can summarize who I am in three words."
2. “The quotation I live my life by is…”
3. “My personal philosophy is…” 
4. “People who know me best say that I’m…” 
5. “Well, I googled myself this morning, and here’s what I found…
6. “My passion is…”  
7. “When I was seven years old, I always wanted to be…” 
8. “If Hollywood made a move about my life, it would be called…”
9. “Can I show you, instead of tell you?” 
10. “The compliment people give me most frequently is…”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

So, here goes:

1.  Christian Mother Teacher (I think that explains quite well who I am and what is important to me.)

2.  They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)--My Lifetime Verse

3.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  (Old, I know, but I do my best to always keep others in mind and put them first.)


4.  A person of my word (I always follow through on what I say.  Or if I don't, there is a real reason.)


5.  I found Biblical records and that many Ruth Annette Hills are writers in various fields.  (I don't see the point of this one!)


6.  Helping others realize their potential.  (That was always what I did as a teacher, and i still love being able to do this!)


7.  A teacher.  (Then I didn't want to be, and now I couldn't be anything else!)


8.  She Never Gave Up (I used to think the story of my life would be called "Sold Out to God.")

9.  

I think that shows you pretty much something about me!

10.  I hear a lot about my smile and confidence.

Well, hopefully you learned some more about me.