It was a long divorce--about 9 months long. I remember thinking it would never end! My ex did not even show up to the final court date where I was granted the divorce. It was divorce by default. He had no money left, and he knew he had lost. His lawyer dismissed him--go figure!
As I was in the final month or so before the divorce was granted, I did something that probably many people do in my situation. I began looking around online for a new guy. Yep, I did it. I was on all the pen pal sites. I went to eHarmony. Goodness, I was in the process of signing up when Martin (my friend in England) sent me a proposal via e-mail! (That's a whole other blog post--seriously). I did sign up, and I wasted a bunch of money on eHarmony. I'm not knocking the site. But something happened that prevented my use of it.
I happened to answer a pen pal ad--don't even remember the site--and it was a guy beginning to go through a divorce himself. His name was Daryl. I almost hate to write his name here. I actually saw his picture on facebook, and he hasn't changed a bit. I actually haven't spoken much about him in a long time, so maybe I'll post a little tonight.
I sent this guy an e-mail, and I remember I got excited when he wrote back. And we wrote back and forth for a while. He was in Georgia, and I don't even remember how old he was. I think he wasn't much older than I, but I can't recall. He had married a girl who had been married before. She had kids, and now she wanted someone else.
As would be expected, I became infatuated with the guy. Especially after he called me. I think he called me the day before I went to court to get the divorce finalized. Yes, he was a Christian--or so he said. I stupidly sent him flowers. That cause a wave of something or other because he lived with his mom. As I write this now, I have no idea why I liked him.
Actually, I do. When Martin withdrew his proposal, I was devastated. I had to find someone else on whom to place my feelings. So, I found the first guy who would take those feelings. Our relationship was so strange. We spent hours on the phone--I let everything else go. I began to gain weight again. Martha was about two, and I neglected her. I didn't do much of anything that summer. And I made sure that when Martin came that I put Daryl ahead of him--oh that was hard! Because I was actually in love with Martin, but I was subconsciously trying to make Martin jealous.
I actually used to talk to this guy till 9 or 10 at night, and I would let him call me at 4 or 5 in the morning. Can we talk about desperation? He had a drinking problem. He had no real job. He was sex-crazed. He tried to take advantage of me whenever he could, but I never let him get away with a thing. Truth be known, I controlled him completely! It was my Mom and Martin that woke me up.
In fact, I still remember the night that it all ended. It is the only night I have ever stayed up all night. I was trying to sleep. It was the Thursday night before MLK day. I was having major misgivings since Christmas concerning the engagement and pending marriage. For some reason, I couldn't sleep. I remember I called my mom, and she pointed out to me that I was in love with Martin and it was okay. I took off my engagement ring. I wrote Martin an e-mail that just spilled my guts out to him. He rejected me, but it didn't change anything. I actually went to school that day on absolutely no sleep. It was only the grace of God that got me through. The following Tuesday I sent my engagement ring back to Daryl, and that was the end of that. I never even cried over the relationship. I felt bad for Daryl. But I was so glad I woke up.
I guess there are times we lose our heads, isn't there? I'm so glad God woke me up before I got married to another idiot. And I realized whom I loved.
Okay, tonight I repaired jewelry for about 20-30 minutes. That felt good to get something done. And I decided that from now on I plan to add a song to each blog entry if I can. I am so musical, and I think I can find a song for each post.
I think this song puts into words how I now feel about Martin. I once bought Reba's album merely because of this song!
Divorce is so hard on everyone involved, and we all make bad choices when we're hurting. We are so lucky to have the Lord to lean on!
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