In our church Sunday School class, we are going through Song of Solomon. It is a good study even though I am currently single. I think I've shared on here before that it has been a good time of healing and seeing my marriage for what it was.
They spoke this morning of marriage being like a tennis match. One person hits the ball with the racquet. And then hopefully the other person hits the ball back to you. This is the way romance and love should work within the marriage. It is disheartening when you serve the ball, and the person doesn't even try to hit it back. And this happens over and over again. Eventually, the person who is doing all the work and receiving nothing in return will no longer play. He or she will give up.
I was the one in the marriage who kept hitting that ball. I can remember a few years into the marriage that I was the one who tried to bring back the romance. And I tried it all. I bought special gifts. I cooked meals. I tried to keep a perfect house. I became uncritical. I initiated exciting sex. I planned special weekends. And what did I receive in return? Nothing! And I mean it!! Forgive my candor, but I can remember one time completely undressing in front of my husband, and he completely rejected me! I thought I must be one ugly dog. Sure, I was overweight--a good 40 pounds overweight. But even when I was heavy, I was fairly attractive and carried my weight well. No one suspected I was that overweight. And regardless, a normal man would devour a naked woman who offered herself to him!
One prayer was answered though during my marriage. When I would pray concerning having children, I prayed a very unusual prayer. Because our sex life was truly in trouble--if anything ever went wrong, I was always to blame, and he let me know it--I began to pray that if I ever got pregnant that it would the result of a nice time together rather than one that was not so nice. And God answered. I could even pinpoint the time I got pregnant. At least I can look back and know that my daughter was actually conceived out of love rather than through force or meek submission.
I also found myself thinking today about positive marriage models in my family. Unfortunately, no immediate family members have happy marriages. And going beyond immediate family to my grandparents, aunts, and uncles, there is but one positive marriage. I had never thought about that before. It's no wonder that I knew not what marriage was supposed to be. I can only hope and pray that my daughter will know what a happy marriage should be. She has no positive marriage models in her surrounding family. But as she grows up, I plan to instill in her a sense of what a true godly marriage should be.
I guess I covered a lot of territory in Sunday School, didn't I? I'm so glad I stayed in this class in spite of any pain and emotions I experienced. God is truly healing me. And here I thought I was all healed from my marriage. But I guess that it comes in stages. You deal with the surface hurts. Then you go deeper. And then finally you get down to some of the deep-seated hurts you didn't even know existed. Thank You, Lord, for Your healing!
0 comments:
Post a Comment