Saturday, November 12, 2011

Do You Ever Wonder Why?

I have been struggling for several days about what exactly I should share, but I think God would like me to at least share some of my current struggles with you, my wonderful readers.  After all, I cannot make much sense about what is going on with my family and me right now--I will admit it.  And maybe some of you have gone through similar struggles.

You might remember that I recently shared how God is restoring my friendship with Martin, my English friend. And that is completely true.  God is continuing to restore it to even better than it was previously.  We have covered so many topics between us, and I feel I understand him more than I ever did.  He even suggested something for my blog--a couple things that I will hopefully get a chance to share with you soon.

What I did not share concerns my family.  I probably hinted at it, but I did not really talk about it.  I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle this, but I think God has given me direction tonight.  In many ways, my family is going through a tough time.  Some things happened last week that have caused emotional damage, and I am kind of caught in the middle.  It is not a fun place to be.  On one hand, I am doing my best to remain objective and see both sides of the issue.  But on the other hand, my continued spending time with both Martin and my family members who are at odds can lead to discord on both sides.

Communication is something at which I can excel, but I can also put my foot in my mouth a whole lot.  I do much better with the written word than the spoken word.  I also have a problem of revealing too much or misspeaking.  When you add in emotions, it can be a very dangerous place to be.  I find myself apologizing and explaining myself quite regularly.  I try to go over in my mind (with God's help) what I should share and when I should just be silent.  I sometimes don't even know what to think.  I feel pushed and pulled on both sides.  It makes me appear moody when I really am not.  And it makes me second guess what I think and believe about the situation.

Am I the only one who has ever been in this position?  I am sure the answer is no.  And I am sure that everyone who has ever been in this position asks the same question--Why am I the one chosen to be in this position.  Why do I have to be the go-between or sometimes the peace-maker?  Why has God given me this job when I know I am not operating in my strength?

Ah, I think I may just have hit the nail on the head with that response. More often than not, God asks us to step outside our comfort zones so that He may be shown through us.  I have to say that I feel I am making a mess of the situation.  I am sure that what I have said on both sides is being misconstrued.  And it is really tough when both sides are not willing to listen.  Or when minds are made up.  Or when "lenses" are colored.

When you add in my father's mental health and health issues, it adds even more into this mix.  In fact, as I was writing this, my dad came out and did his usual thing of trying to belittle me and treat me like a child.  My mom and I bear the brunt of my dad's anger.  And I am always the easy target.

I have to admit that over this past week of difficulty, I have really struggled with understanding how and why this is happening to us. And specifically--me.  Over and over again, God has reminded me that He is in control, and I need to be patient.  And I have remembered the dream I had several years ago.  While I do not know everything that the enemy wants to do, I know that he wants the family destroyed, and he does not want Martin to be saved.  He wants me to give in to sexual temptation, and he wants a physical fight to ensue between Martin and my dad.

So the question remains.  Why am I in this position?  Well, it is just quite possible (as with Queen Esther) that God has brought me to this place for such a time as this.  As I think about it, Esther was put in a very difficult position.  She was a Jew who had become queen in a pagan society.  The life of her people rested in her hands.  While it is true that she may never have been in true danger due to her position, that was not the point.  She fasted and prayed (according to Josephus--the Bible doesn't tell us that she prayed, but I tend to agree that she would not have fasted without praying), and she knew what she had to do.  She risked her life to save her people, and in many ways, the story of Esther almost ends like a fairy tale.  And it is true.

So when you, dear reader, wonder why you have been placed in this position, don't ask why and bemoan all of your trouble.  Realize that God has you where you are for a task that He wants you to perform.  Perhaps you do not feel equipped to do it. And it is when we are weak that God shows Himself to be strong.  While we are free to tell God "no," as Esther's relative, Mordecai, told her--if you don't do it, God will bring along someone else to accomplish His will.  That should be a sobering thought.  Perhaps you have to go through a lot of garbage, but if you can just get through it, God will work it for good.  And if you're like me, you certainly don't want to miss the opportunity to have God do a mighty work through you.

Don't worry, my friends.  I have not arrived as of yet.  But I feel as though my faith is being strengthened as I write this.   I am so glad that I turned to my blog--God spoke through me.  I can only hope and pray that it was encouragement to you, too!


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