Just a Random Post About Life, Relationships, and Men

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I have been meaning to write a post like this for a while, and I won't keep you long.  Martin did come in last night.  And it is clear that the tension is still there.  I have to admit I nearly lost it at the airport because I went to hug him (oh, it felt so good to be near him), and he held onto me while he shook my brother's hand.  I wanted to burst into tears.  I knew right then that without the Lord, I would have gone back to all the old ways.

Last night, he barricaded himself in the garage.  He is mad at Mom, and he is mad at me.  Well, maybe that's not the right word.  He is so disgusted by life that he can't enjoy anything or say anything positive.  I really had to work through my anger and frustration last night.

This morning I was better until he saw me.  Since I know he doesn't follow my blog (thankfully), I'll say that when he saw me this morning, he "sized" me up with his eyes.  I was really mad!  How dare he look at what does not belong to him!  There is only one thing he wants from me, and this time, he is not getting it.  (Okay, blog readers, for those of you who don't know the story, we have never gone all the way.  We have been physical, but there has been a barrier that I refuse to cross in spite of his pressure.)

Why is it that in the middle of all his anger he can still think about being intimate?  That is the mystery of men, isn't it?  The only men I have ever known have wanted one thing from me--sex!  The worst part is that I have been as generous as I could in every area. There were days that he treated me like the scum of the earth and yet, I was so needy, I took some physical intimacy with him.  I figured that rejecting him would wound his ego.

You know, I was stupid!  In my marriage, I never told my husband no.  Never!  I even let him rape me in exchange for doing something I really wanted to do.  I have always been too accommodating because I am one of those weird women who craves it.  Ever hear of the Love Languages?  Mine is definitely physical!  It is the main one, and always has been.

I am so glad that God woke me up and made me realize that I had been selling myself short for most of my life.  I have always been the one giving, going out of my way to smooth things over, and even being willing to change.  I actually let my ex and Martin control me.  Pretty sad, isn't it?

I so appreciated tonight what my sister-in-law said to me on the phone.  I told her Martin would probably yell at me for not doing something right, and I said it was not big deal.  He could go ahead and yell.  She jumped in and told me not to let him.  She said that she and my brother had the outsider's view.  When Martin comes back, the entire house caters to him.  That is wrong!  Tonight was a big victory for me.  I made a pasta salad, and I knew that he and my daughter wouldn't like it.  So I went ahead and grilled hamburgers too.  My plan is to make the meals I like, but I don't mind fixing something easy on the side if I know that he (and my daughter) would not like the meal.  That is a concession I can make.

Well, enough of my rambling tonight.  Be sure to check out my current giveaways.  One only has 9 entries, and I just added something to it.  I have contacted a lot of companies for possible giveaways, and I have loads of reviews to catch up on this weekend.  So watch out, friends!  Thanks for reading my post tonight.  And thanks for the encouragement I received.  As Boobies says, there is a man out there for me, and I will find him one day.  And he will be the right one!  (If you have never checked out her website, you need to.  It is honestly not offensive, but she does have an adult review here and there.  But she is a great blogger! And a classy lady!)